Middle-Aged Hoopin’ – WEEK ONE

“Look, I’m sorry.”

The dog stares me out with his guilt-inducing ‘hang dog’ expression (it’s hard to take him seriously when he has a hot pink ball-on-a-string hanging out his mouth).

“It’s not like I deliberately whapped you in the face, is it? You got in the way. Anyway, it’s my hoopin’ ball, not yours.”

I turn his frenetic inside-out ear the right way round as I speak. He’s been chasing that ball as hard as I’ve been gyrating.

I survey my waist, critically. The dog looks impressively athletic and toned, meanwhile my mum-tum looks as gargantuan as it did 30-minutes ago.

As a ‘wild and wicked’ slip of a girl, I had three aspirations in life:

  1. To change the world
  2. To write about all-consuming, ‘life and death transposing’ passion. “I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul…”
  3. To hula hoop

Beautiful girls gyrate effortlessly. Hooping is key to EVERYTHING: dancing; wild, on-top sex; cropped-tops; adoration; popularity; a shapely arse and a tiny tum. It’s the TikTok (self-worth destroying, narcissism-promoting ego toy) of my generation.

It always ends the same way.

Me – launches it Olympic-shot-put-style around my middle….

The hoop – falls to the ground instantaneously no matter what my hips, belly, boobs, tongue (concentration y’know), wobbles and effortful grunts do.

I resign myself to the fact my belly fat is incapable of centrifugal force.

Until now….

For in 2021 we have…..

Dum, dum, duuuuuuuum….

(wait for it)

‘THE SMART HOOP’

The Smart Hoop “simply clips around your waist like a belt. Then you start the attached weighted ball spinning, and keep it moving with your hips in the traditional hula-hooping fashion.”

TikTok influencer (what’s one of them, then?), @mariarmasaidyliegh has had over three million views on her smart hoop videos, claiming her 30-minute workouts have shaved inches (nay, FEET, MILES, OOMPA LOOMPA SIZED PEOPLE) from her waist.

A 30-minute workout uses muscles in your waist, legs and bum, giving you a cardio burn and exercising your dog at the same time. Soon I’ll be able to simultaneously chop a head of broccoli, juggle a bar of whole-nut chocolate and drink a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.

Readers, dear readers. I succumb.

Pay £26.99 and order it on Prime Delivery. How can you wait for something so special? Quite simply, you can’t.

I spend the next 24-hours worrying that 24- hot pink segments won’t fit around my middle. I’ve bought a Smart Chastity Belt. Bloody stupid woman. That’s four bottles of wine and a bar of chocolate.

I look in horror at the tiny package.

Phew. No fear.

You click the links together, DIY-stylee.

It’s like a plastic, pocket-money, segmented snake that moves when you hold it by the tail. Remember them?

Attach the big weighted ball to the small ball that goes in the track.

Smugly note that 22-links are enough to fit (sort of) comfortably around. Two spare parts for the Lego box. More to follow, when the Oompa Loompa’s drop off.

One foot in front of the other (I’ve watched the videos). Forwards and backwards from the pelvis (you know…. ‘that’ move girls).

And off we go.

Yeeha.

OMG, I can do it. WOW! Jeez, I can actually do it. The sense of achievement overwhelms. The ball is flying round.

The dog goes wild. Anything ball-shaped and moving belongs to him. This is GRRRRRRRREAT, mum! You playing too? Woof, charge, woof, jump, WOOOOOOOF – SPLAT.

(Reminds reader that I own Clifford (aka ‘Fly the Lab’), the average detached house-sized, big red dog.)

I should open the wine.

Broccoli can wait.

MIDDLE-AGED HOOPIN’ – WEEK ONE:

  • Links needed: 22
  • Waist: 36 inches (brutal, but honest)
  • Hips: 44 inches
  • Weight: 9.62 Oompa Loompa’s
  • Wine consumed: 2 bottles

(Leaves you on a cliff edge)

Tune in for further updates.

No dogs or Oompa Loompa’s were harmed in the making of this blog.

Although two bottles of Sauvignon Blanc were absolutely annihilated.

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